The Opposite of Me Read online

  The copy underneath the ad was simple and boldface: “Isn’t that . . . ?”

  Then beneath, in smaller type: “Nope, but you can have her red carpet lips. Just slick on Gloss Cherrybomb and wait for the double takes. Brad Pitt clone not included.”

  The corners of Mr. Fenstermaker’s mouth twitched when he read my copy. Mrs. Fenstermaker’s sunglasses were still turned in my direction, which I sensed was a major triumph.

  “We’ll unveil our print ads and thirty-second television spots simultaneously,” I said, my voice ringing with confidence, my posture ramrod straight. “I recommend an initial saturation in midwestern cities: Chicago, Indianapolis, St. Louis. We’ll focus-group to test the appeal of different celebrities in each market and tweak each campaign before we take it national. If Jennifer Garner tests well in Iowa, this is the ad we’ll run in Des Moines.”

  I unveiled my storyboard for a thirty-second TV spot. It featured an ordinary girl (you’d be surprised by how shockingly ordinary most models look without makeup) taking a swipe at Cover Girl: “Of course actresses look gorgeous; they’re paid to have flawless skin. But what about the rest of us?”

  A quick cut to her makeup bag—filled with Gloss products in their trademark black and silver tubes and bottles—and voilà! Our ordinary girl is transformed through the miracle of modern mascara into a Jennifer look-alike as the voice-over announces our tagline: “Gloss: Gorgeous for Every Day.”

  “When we spread to the coasts,” I continued, “we can look at television tie-ins. Drew Barrymore is producing a new HBO series about colleagues at a fashion magazine. It’s going to be this decade’s Sex and the City. We’ll want to look at a product placement deal.”

  “How much is this going to cost me?” Fenstermaker grunted.

  Probably less than the Jacuzzi you had to scrap, I thought.

  “Eight million for the initial phase,” I said, making sure my voice didn’t contain a hint of an apology.

  “Can you guarantee I’ll earn it back?” he asked.

  “I think our track record speaks for itself,” I said. “We can’t make you more money unless we spend some first.”

  Fenstermaker grunted again. There was a bit of cream cheese on the tip of his bulbous nose.

  “I could swear this is Angelina,” he said, almost to himself, as he looked at my dummy ad again. “Just met her last week. She wanted me to donate to some orphanage.”

  He batted around his hand, as though the orphanage was a pesky fly he was trying to swat away.

  “Every second our targets spend looking at that ad and trying to figure out if it’s really her means that much more time for the Gloss name to brand itself into their subconscious,” I said. “We’ll make the fine print as fine as our legal department allows.”

  I was moving into my finale. I walked over to a row of three easels and whipped off the drape cloths, revealing three photographs.

  “Surveys of plastic surgeons show that women want Angelina’s mouth and Keira Knightley’s eyes and Cameron Diaz’s cheekbones,” I said, gesturing to enlarged photos of each celebrity. “On the back of every package of Gloss cosmetic, we’ll have a diagram showing women how to replicate the look of their favorite celebrity. For instance, Keira wears black mascara and eye shadows in the peachy-brown family for most of her red carpet events. Those colors are already all in the Gloss arsenal, meaning we don’t need any new R and D, which we all know is the real money drain. What we’ll do is shake up the packaging and marketing.”

  I stepped back to the front of the table and looked directly at Mr. Fenstermaker. I knew he was the decision maker; he’d dropped out of college during his junior year and built his empire from scratch. Behind his bulldog exterior was a whip-smart brain.

  “We’re not just selling lipstick,” I said, lowering my voice and speaking slowly. This was it; I was rounding third base and running for home with everything I had. “We’re making the childhood dreams of every woman in America come true. They’re all going to become movie stars.”

  Fenstermaker nodded and swallowed a second bagel without appearing to chew.

  “Any questions?” I asked. “No? It’s been a pleasure.”

  This time Fenstermaker reached out to shake my hand first. It was a subtle detail, but I felt Mason notice it. I nodded and smiled at Mrs. Fenstermaker and headed for the door.

  “Nice job, Lindsey,” Mason said under his breath as I passed him.

  As soon as I stepped out of the conference room, I lost it. Stage fright never hits me when I’m giving a speech or presenting to a client, but the second I’m done, I start trembling and my mouth goes dry.

  “How’d it go?” Matt said as I stumbled into his office, which was directly across from the conference room.

  I collapsed into a chair and put my head between my knees.

  “That good?” he asked, putting down the photographer’s proofs of turkeys—Matt was on the Butterball campaign—that he was studying with a little magnifying glass called a loupe. “Usually you just turn white. You must’ve done really well if you’re about to puke.”

  “Give me a second,” I croaked, waiting for some blood to rush to my head. “He kind of smiled at the end of it. That’s good, isn’t it? And she nodded twice. Her expression never changed, but I think it’s because of the Botox.”

  “Better than pelting you with frozen grapes,” Matt agreed.

  “Helpful,” I said, lifting up my head to look at him and grinning for the first time that day. Really grinning; my client smiles didn’t come from the heart. “Supportive and positive. I think I got everything in. Focus group response, magazine ad placement, budget increases tied to performance targets—”

  “It’s in the bag,” Matt interrupted. “I overheard Mason on the phone saying your campaign blows Cheryl’s out of the water.”

  “He said that?” I asked eagerly.

  “Not in so many words,” Matt said. “I was just trying to get you to stop babbling.”

  “You’re such a liar,” I said, twisting my head around so I could peek into the hallway and see if Cheryl was approaching the conference room. “How can I trust you when you’re such a liar? God, I hope I nailed it—”

  “Look, can I ask you something?” Matt interrupted again, his fingers fiddling with the yellow grease pencil he’d been using to circle the photos he liked the best. “Why do you want the vice presidency?”

  I stared at him.

  “Seriously, think about it,” he said. “Tell me why you want it so badly.”

  “Why did I become friends with someone who was a psychology minor?” I moaned. “I hate it when you do this.”

  “Classic case of avoidance.” Matt pretended to scribble something in a notebook. “Look, you’re making plenty of money. You’re working hard. All a promotion would mean is more money and more work. Is that what you really want in life?”

  “Lots more money,” I pointed out.

  “Okay, lots more money,” Matt said, leaning back and putting his feet up on his desk. “But you make a ton already. And can I be brutally honest? You’re not looking so good these days.”

  “Hey,” I said, wounded. Maybe I wouldn’t tell him black was his color after all. Maybe I’d say it was fuchsia. Unless he thought I was getting alarmingly thinner, in which case, all was forgiven.

  “Do you even sleep?” Matt asked. “I got an email from you at two A.M. last week.”

  “Psychology minors with detective skills,” I joked. “Lethal combination.”

  “Linds,” Matt said, using his serious voice, the one he’d probably trot out when he was a dad and his kids had covered the dog with Crisco. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you about this for a while, but you’re always too busy. I’m worried about you.”

  “Matt, that’s sweet,” I said. “But I’m fine.”

  I swiveled my head around again to check for Cheryl.

  “See? You’re not even listening to me,” Matt complained. “You know you’ve got a lock o
n being VP. Even if Cheryl gets this account, which she won’t because you’re better than she is, you’ve still brought in tons more business than her. Everyone knows you’re getting it. Donna even sent around a card for people to sign for you. So can you just listen to me for two seconds?”

  “Do people really think I’m getting it?” I asked excitedly. “Who did you talk to?”

  Matt exhaled loudly, like I was trying his patience.

  “You need a vacation,” he said. “When was the last time you took a vacation? And you need to start dating. You need to have something in your life other than work.”

  “I do date,” I said indignantly.

  “Two dates in the past six months,” Matt said, “doesn’t count.”

  I couldn’t argue with that: One of my dates was with a marathoner who carbo-loaded his way through three bread baskets and spent ninety minutes talking about his training regimen—in a nutshell, it entailed putting one foot in front of the other. Scintillating stuff. I’d also gone out with a veterinarian, but since I’m allergic to cats and he hadn’t changed his shirt after work, I spent the whole night dabbing at my watery eyes as I sat beside him on a barstool. A table full of middle-aged women who’d clearly been around the block a time or two thought he was breaking up with me.

  “He’s probably got a chippie on the side,” one of them hissed as they shot him dirty looks. All in all, a bit lacking in the ambience department.

  “I just really want to be VP,” I told Matt. I picked up the tiny rake in the Zen garden I’d gotten him last year as a joke and smoothed new patterns in the sand (I’d written on the card: “This garden seems stressed. Can you help it?”).

  I really didn’t want to have this conversation, not now, and it wasn’t fair of Matt to bring it up. I didn’t just crave the promotion, I needed it. If I didn’t get it now, it would be years before I had another shot. Vice-presidency slots were as rare as solar eclipses. And next time around, I wouldn’t be the agency’s golden girl. By then someone else, someone younger and fresher, would be nipping at my heels. If I slipped and lost my momentum now, I’d never regain it, no matter how hard I scrabbled for a new handhold up the corporate ladder. I might even have to go to another advertising agency and prove myself all over again, to avoid the stigma of having been passed over for a promotion. How could I explain to Matt that working hard didn’t scare me, it was failing that terrified me?

  “Are you sure?” Matt asked. “Think about what it’ll mean for your life. You’ll be locked so tight into this place that you’ll never get out. Can you imagine still being here twenty years from now?”

  “I haven’t thought that far ahead,” I lied. Twenty years from now I wanted my name on this building. I wanted a house in Aspen and one in the Berkshires. I wanted a car and driver to take me to work every day, and to be waiting outside when I finished.

  “Don’t you ever feel like you’re missing out?” Matt said, more gently this time. “Is this what you want?”

  I dropped my eyes from his. So that one stung a bit. It was impossible not to notice that more and more of my friends were getting engaged. My old college roommate had just had a baby. They were expanding their lives, while mine shot like an arrow up its quick, straight path. But Matt knew how hard I’d worked for this. Why was he picking on me today of all days?

  “I—” I began, but for some reason, my lower lip quivered. I cleared my throat and was about to start again. Then I saw something out of the corner of my eye. I never finished my sentence.

  Cheryl was strutting down the hallway toward the conference room. Apparently she’d been a bit absentminded this morning, because she’d forgotten to put on her shirt. Sort of thing that could happen to anyone.

  “Holy shit,” Matt whispered in the hushed, intense way men do when they see their favorite athlete making an impossible play and saving the game. His feet fell off his desk and hit the floor with a thump.

  Okay, maybe “forgotten” was an overstatement. Her shirt was there all right. All six inches of clingy, silky, backless black fabric. As she came closer, it became all too obvious that it was her bra she’d forgotten.

  She looked fantastic, in an I’m-the-entertainment-at-a-bachelor-party kind of way. Her long hair was loose and wild, and her lips were so full I knew she’d had more collagen shots. Her heels were as high as skyscrapers, and she seemed like she was about to tip over, but that also could’ve been because of the front-loading. Was it possible she’d gotten more collagen shots in unorthodox places?

  “What the hell is she doing?” I said.

  “She’s playing dirty,” Matt said. “Don’t worry, it just makes her look desperate.”

  “Really?” I asked eagerly.

  He didn’t answer.

  “Matt!” I hissed.

  “Huh? Oh, sorry,” he said.

  He moved his seat over a few inches for a better view. “I can see into the conference room from this angle. Do you want a play-by-play?”

  “Yes,” I said, chewing on my only fingernail that had a little life left. “No. I don’t know.” I leapt up from the chair, sat back down, ran my hand across my forehead. “Does she actually think flashing her boobs is going to win her the account?”

  “No, but putting her hand on Fenstermaker’s knee might,” Matt said.

  “What?” I shrieked.

  “It’s off the knee now,” Matt said. “She’s done with her greetings, now she’s launching into her presentation. Her storyboard’s up.”

  “Why not just give him a blow job under the table?” I muttered.

  “I think she’s saving that for the grand finale,” Matt said.

  “Is he smiling?” I asked. “Does he look like he likes her? Is his wife pissed?”

  “The wife’s on the other side of the table,” Matt said. “She can’t see what’s going on under the table. Plus, she’s looking into her hand mirror.”

  “Oh, shit,” I said. I covered my eyes with my hand and sank deeper into my chair. “Fenstermaker’s wife is doing their pilot; I read about it on ‘Page Six’ when I was researching them. It was supposed to be a blind item, but it was obvious. Fuckity, fuckity, fuckity.”

  “Fuckity?” Matt said. “Seriously?”

  I leapt up again and started to pace while I shot questions at Matt like he was on the witness stand.

  “How does Fenstermaker look?” I asked.

  “He doesn’t look unhappy, let’s put it like that,” Matt said diplomatically.

  “What’s the wife doing now?”

  “Eating a grape,” Matt said. “One grape. Actually she hasn’t eaten it yet. She’s examining it like it’s a diamond.”

  “Look up from the grape!” I willed Mrs. Fenstermaker the message.

  Matt snorted, and I glared at him.

  “Sorry,” he said.

  “This is so unprofessional,” I hissed. “So . . . so . . .”

  “So Cheryl,” Matt finished for me.

  My headache was back with a vengeance; I should’ve known Cheryl would’ve fought dirty. A few years after I came to Richards, Dunne & Krantz, when she and I were competing for a dishwashing liquid account, we went to Kentucky to do focus groups with stay-at-home moms. My campaign focused on speed—moms were too busy these days to scrub pots and pans, so our soap would get the job done in half the time. Cheryl went for a “same great product, new look” approach by redesigning the bottle. We sat there together, chatting up four different groups of moms, writing down their comments and thoughts and recommendations, and it was clear my campaign was the winner. Except when we got back to New York, hers was the one the client chose. I chalked it up to bad luck. Maybe the client had a thing for phallic-shaped bottles. Maybe he liked the new bigger, firmer bottle because of something missing in his own life (again, no bitterness).

  Then, six months after the campaign aired, I learned Cheryl had switched the group’s comments before submitting them to the client. It wasn’t anything I could prove, just a whispered accusation
from Cheryl’s assistant as she left for a new job.

  “She’s bending over in front of Fenstermaker,” Matt said. “I think she’s pretending to drop something.”

  “What’s Fenstermaker doing?” I asked.

  “Watching her pick it up,” Matt said. “Either that or putting a dollar in her G-string.”

  “She’s so pathetic,” I sputtered. “She’s actually a very smart woman. She does good work. Why does she always pull this crap?”

  “Because she’s Cheryl,” Matt said. “Hey, she must be wrapping up. Mason just stood up.”

  “What’s Fenstermaker doing?” I asked.

  “He’s getting up, too,” Mason said. “Whoops—he’s following Cheryl into the bathroom for a quickie.”

  “What?” I squealed.

  “Kidding,” Matt said. “He just shook Mason’s hand and they’re all heading for the elevator. Hang on a sec. I’ll go take a walk past them and eavesdrop.”

  Matt stepped out of his office while I let out all the air in my lungs with a whoosh and dropped back into my seat. I felt as weak and dizzy as if I’d run a marathon. Had I eaten dinner last night? No, I remembered, unless you counted the frozen burrito I’d microwaved when I finally stumbled home. It had tasted like the cardboard tray it came with so I’d tossed it in the trash after one bite and gobbled down enough Cherry Garcia to hit the food pyramid’s recommended fruit allowance for the day. I needed to pick up some vitamins. Maalox, too; my stomach felt like someone was twisting it in knots and setting it on fire. It was probably the ulcers my doctor had warned me were in my future. By now it felt like I had a family of ulcers living in my stomach, who were all biting their nails.

  What the hell could be going on in the hallway, anyway? Had Fenstermaker made a decision yet? I twisted around and peered out Matt’s door just as he walked back in.